It has occurred to me that I have honestly been overcome with fear. And, I have learned that fear is a force to be reckoned with. My planned out life shattered and splattered on the concrete, and I have been left to figure things out. The very first week of DivorceCare class, I was given a Bible verse that I have been trying to hold on to . . . and holding on to for dear life.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
It has been so hard to believe this . . . I know it is true . . . but, it is just hard to believe that things will ever be okay again after losing everything I have known. My mapped out life suddenly has no direction. My life plan has turned into a life without a plan.
Funny that I have had fear on my mind today, and Joyce Meyer posted today about fear. From her website:
As we saw before in Genesis, God gave Abram a tall order. He said, "Pack up and leave everyone you know and everything you’re comfortable with and go to a place I will show you." If Abram had bowed his knee to fear, he never would’ve fulfilled his destiny to become all God created him to be—the father of many nations.
I feel this is me. I am about to pack up and leave everyone and everything I have known for the past 28 years. I have lived in Gwinnett County for that long, and come July, I will be moving again . . . this time I will be leaving Gwinnett County. I will be going to a place that He will show me. This is scary. I trust the Lord, but at the same time, this is scary. So, I will just have to do it anyway . . . do it afraid. I pray that God will give me the strength to work through my fear and trust Him.
I am trying to be excited about the plans God has for me!! If only I could just let go of this fear!! One day at at time . . . I am praying hard and working on it daily.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
What I Have Lost
I started this blog last June, and somehow between actually divorcing, moving, trying to stabilize, heal, and rebuild my life, I totally lost my heart for blogging. I started DivorceCare a few weeks ago, and it has been emphasized how much journaling truly helps the recovery process. So, I hope to use this blog simply to journal . . . the journal for my journey from hopelessness to healing.
Just reading the two posts that I wrote back in June . . . 8 months ago . . . brought me tremendous peace. These posts reminded me of how badly I needed to get out of my marriage. So, mission accomplished. And, I have survived 8 months!! Praise God!! I have made it through my first 4th of July, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day as a single person. I can do this!! ; )
One thing I realized is that the healing wasn't happening as quickly as I had hoped it would, so I decided to enroll in DivorceCare . . . I just wanted to make sure I am on the right track. This has been SO good for me!! It is forcing me to focus on my healing . . . not to just hope it happens, but to truly work on it. So, I am working hard because I want to get there!!
One of the most beneficial assignments I had to complete was to write down all of my losses . . . and face these losses . . . and grieve these!! Wow. This was tough. And, after about two weeks of crying, I feel much better, but I feel that I have now actually grieved for the things I lost. I truly think this was a necessary step toward healing!!
What I Have Lost/What I Have to Grieve (written on February 11, 2011)
Lost Dreams:
My dream in life was to be a successful wife and mother . . . wanted a stable life for my children . . . I wanted a HAPPY home . . . a home where my grandchildren could come visit and have a happy grandma and grandpa to spend time with . . . the same happy home that nurtured my children.
I wanted my spouse to be the love of my life . . . my soul mate . . . the person I celebrated 50 years of marriage with. I have lost this dream as well as facing the reality that I am the one person in the family who failed. I grieve the fairytale of happily ever after . . . for better or for worse.
Lost Realities:
My home
My Identity
My security
My marital status
My financial stability
My Partner/Help mate
27 years - - the best years of my life.
My health - - had ten years of bad health.
Lost friends/church family – ability to fit in – not single and not married – now “divorced.”
Lost Traditions – Holidays will never be the same.
Personal Losses:
Myself
My joy
My spirit
My self-worth/self-esteem
Love
This is a lot to process, to accept, and to lose. But, now that I have faced my losses . . . I think I can cut my losses. And, now, I am truly ready to focus on the positive things in my life. It has been tough to find anything positive, much less focus on anything positive!! But, I am ready to start . . . I still plan to journal about my hurts, but I hope to journal about my happiness as well.
Just reading the two posts that I wrote back in June . . . 8 months ago . . . brought me tremendous peace. These posts reminded me of how badly I needed to get out of my marriage. So, mission accomplished. And, I have survived 8 months!! Praise God!! I have made it through my first 4th of July, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day as a single person. I can do this!! ; )
One thing I realized is that the healing wasn't happening as quickly as I had hoped it would, so I decided to enroll in DivorceCare . . . I just wanted to make sure I am on the right track. This has been SO good for me!! It is forcing me to focus on my healing . . . not to just hope it happens, but to truly work on it. So, I am working hard because I want to get there!!
One of the most beneficial assignments I had to complete was to write down all of my losses . . . and face these losses . . . and grieve these!! Wow. This was tough. And, after about two weeks of crying, I feel much better, but I feel that I have now actually grieved for the things I lost. I truly think this was a necessary step toward healing!!
What I Have Lost/What I Have to Grieve (written on February 11, 2011)
Lost Dreams:
My dream in life was to be a successful wife and mother . . . wanted a stable life for my children . . . I wanted a HAPPY home . . . a home where my grandchildren could come visit and have a happy grandma and grandpa to spend time with . . . the same happy home that nurtured my children.
I wanted my spouse to be the love of my life . . . my soul mate . . . the person I celebrated 50 years of marriage with. I have lost this dream as well as facing the reality that I am the one person in the family who failed. I grieve the fairytale of happily ever after . . . for better or for worse.
Lost Realities:
My home
My Identity
My security
My marital status
My financial stability
My Partner/Help mate
27 years - - the best years of my life.
My health - - had ten years of bad health.
Lost friends/church family – ability to fit in – not single and not married – now “divorced.”
Lost Traditions – Holidays will never be the same.
Personal Losses:
Myself
My joy
My spirit
My self-worth/self-esteem
Love
This is a lot to process, to accept, and to lose. But, now that I have faced my losses . . . I think I can cut my losses. And, now, I am truly ready to focus on the positive things in my life. It has been tough to find anything positive, much less focus on anything positive!! But, I am ready to start . . . I still plan to journal about my hurts, but I hope to journal about my happiness as well.
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