It has occurred to me that I have honestly been overcome with fear. And, I have learned that fear is a force to be reckoned with. My planned out life shattered and splattered on the concrete, and I have been left to figure things out. The very first week of DivorceCare class, I was given a Bible verse that I have been trying to hold on to . . . and holding on to for dear life.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
It has been so hard to believe this . . . I know it is true . . . but, it is just hard to believe that things will ever be okay again after losing everything I have known. My mapped out life suddenly has no direction. My life plan has turned into a life without a plan.
Funny that I have had fear on my mind today, and Joyce Meyer posted today about fear. From her website:
As we saw before in Genesis, God gave Abram a tall order. He said, "Pack up and leave everyone you know and everything you’re comfortable with and go to a place I will show you." If Abram had bowed his knee to fear, he never would’ve fulfilled his destiny to become all God created him to be—the father of many nations.
I feel this is me. I am about to pack up and leave everyone and everything I have known for the past 28 years. I have lived in Gwinnett County for that long, and come July, I will be moving again . . . this time I will be leaving Gwinnett County. I will be going to a place that He will show me. This is scary. I trust the Lord, but at the same time, this is scary. So, I will just have to do it anyway . . . do it afraid. I pray that God will give me the strength to work through my fear and trust Him.
I am trying to be excited about the plans God has for me!! If only I could just let go of this fear!! One day at at time . . . I am praying hard and working on it daily.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
What I Have Lost
I started this blog last June, and somehow between actually divorcing, moving, trying to stabilize, heal, and rebuild my life, I totally lost my heart for blogging. I started DivorceCare a few weeks ago, and it has been emphasized how much journaling truly helps the recovery process. So, I hope to use this blog simply to journal . . . the journal for my journey from hopelessness to healing.
Just reading the two posts that I wrote back in June . . . 8 months ago . . . brought me tremendous peace. These posts reminded me of how badly I needed to get out of my marriage. So, mission accomplished. And, I have survived 8 months!! Praise God!! I have made it through my first 4th of July, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day as a single person. I can do this!! ; )
One thing I realized is that the healing wasn't happening as quickly as I had hoped it would, so I decided to enroll in DivorceCare . . . I just wanted to make sure I am on the right track. This has been SO good for me!! It is forcing me to focus on my healing . . . not to just hope it happens, but to truly work on it. So, I am working hard because I want to get there!!
One of the most beneficial assignments I had to complete was to write down all of my losses . . . and face these losses . . . and grieve these!! Wow. This was tough. And, after about two weeks of crying, I feel much better, but I feel that I have now actually grieved for the things I lost. I truly think this was a necessary step toward healing!!
What I Have Lost/What I Have to Grieve (written on February 11, 2011)
Lost Dreams:
My dream in life was to be a successful wife and mother . . . wanted a stable life for my children . . . I wanted a HAPPY home . . . a home where my grandchildren could come visit and have a happy grandma and grandpa to spend time with . . . the same happy home that nurtured my children.
I wanted my spouse to be the love of my life . . . my soul mate . . . the person I celebrated 50 years of marriage with. I have lost this dream as well as facing the reality that I am the one person in the family who failed. I grieve the fairytale of happily ever after . . . for better or for worse.
Lost Realities:
My home
My Identity
My security
My marital status
My financial stability
My Partner/Help mate
27 years - - the best years of my life.
My health - - had ten years of bad health.
Lost friends/church family – ability to fit in – not single and not married – now “divorced.”
Lost Traditions – Holidays will never be the same.
Personal Losses:
Myself
My joy
My spirit
My self-worth/self-esteem
Love
This is a lot to process, to accept, and to lose. But, now that I have faced my losses . . . I think I can cut my losses. And, now, I am truly ready to focus on the positive things in my life. It has been tough to find anything positive, much less focus on anything positive!! But, I am ready to start . . . I still plan to journal about my hurts, but I hope to journal about my happiness as well.
Just reading the two posts that I wrote back in June . . . 8 months ago . . . brought me tremendous peace. These posts reminded me of how badly I needed to get out of my marriage. So, mission accomplished. And, I have survived 8 months!! Praise God!! I have made it through my first 4th of July, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day as a single person. I can do this!! ; )
One thing I realized is that the healing wasn't happening as quickly as I had hoped it would, so I decided to enroll in DivorceCare . . . I just wanted to make sure I am on the right track. This has been SO good for me!! It is forcing me to focus on my healing . . . not to just hope it happens, but to truly work on it. So, I am working hard because I want to get there!!
One of the most beneficial assignments I had to complete was to write down all of my losses . . . and face these losses . . . and grieve these!! Wow. This was tough. And, after about two weeks of crying, I feel much better, but I feel that I have now actually grieved for the things I lost. I truly think this was a necessary step toward healing!!
What I Have Lost/What I Have to Grieve (written on February 11, 2011)
Lost Dreams:
My dream in life was to be a successful wife and mother . . . wanted a stable life for my children . . . I wanted a HAPPY home . . . a home where my grandchildren could come visit and have a happy grandma and grandpa to spend time with . . . the same happy home that nurtured my children.
I wanted my spouse to be the love of my life . . . my soul mate . . . the person I celebrated 50 years of marriage with. I have lost this dream as well as facing the reality that I am the one person in the family who failed. I grieve the fairytale of happily ever after . . . for better or for worse.
Lost Realities:
My home
My Identity
My security
My marital status
My financial stability
My Partner/Help mate
27 years - - the best years of my life.
My health - - had ten years of bad health.
Lost friends/church family – ability to fit in – not single and not married – now “divorced.”
Lost Traditions – Holidays will never be the same.
Personal Losses:
Myself
My joy
My spirit
My self-worth/self-esteem
Love
This is a lot to process, to accept, and to lose. But, now that I have faced my losses . . . I think I can cut my losses. And, now, I am truly ready to focus on the positive things in my life. It has been tough to find anything positive, much less focus on anything positive!! But, I am ready to start . . . I still plan to journal about my hurts, but I hope to journal about my happiness as well.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
My Husband Was An Abusive Narcissist
It occurred to me about 8 years into my 26 year marriage that my husband (Stud Muffin) had changed. Not only had he changed, but his attitude toward me had changed. And, things progressively got worse until I finally filed for divorce after 26 years . . . I was married 27 years when the divorce actually became final. A change had to be made in order to save myself.
This could not be happening to me! I loved my husband, and I knew that he loved me. So, how did my happy marriage slowly degress to a place where I didn't feel emotionally secure? I started feeling differently about myself. Something had to be wrong with me. Why was I provoking my husband to act this way? What was I doing wrong? I had so much self doubt about myself and about my marriage. But, I had small children. I would try harder to keep peace with my husband for the sake of the family. I did not believe in divorce, so I had to work harder on my marriage.
The uneasy feelings progressively got worse and worse. It eventually came to the point that I was doing research on the internet to figure out what was going on with my husband. It didn't take me long to realize that I was in an abusive relationship. What?!! Seriously?!! How did this man that I loved turn into someone who was mistreating me? I felt shameful and incompetent. I felt alone. I was sad. It wasn't long until my sadness turned into depression.
Years went by. I prayed for things to get better. I didn't want this to be happening, but I didn't know how to fix it! It was becoming perfectly clear that things were not going to get better. So, I decided I would have to live with it and learn how to deal with it. That worked fairly well for me, but my kids were now being sucked into the abuse. Not good. I started feeling hate toward the person I was supposed to love forever.
Several years ago, I was reading articles on the internet, and I came across some articles on narcissism. What in the heck was a narcissist? Well, as I read on, I realized I was living with one! Stud Muffin definitely had enough of the characteristics to convince me that he is a narcissist. Wow. Really?? The only thing I knew to do was to get marriage counseling. I had to convince my husband that something was wrong with him. His behavior was not normal. So, after some major fights, Stud finally agreed to go with me to talk to a christian counselor.
We had two sessions with the counselor, and I knew it was a total waste of time. There was nothing wrong with my husband in his mind, so anything the counselor said was turned against me. Things got even worse at home after the counseling sessions. I was finally to the point of giving up. Things were hopeless. I didn't know what to do or where to turn. I was miserable. I was unhappy. I had health issues. My self esteem was gone.
The last few years of my marriage were a living hell. I walked on eggshells to keep Stud Muffin from being provoked into attack mode. The whole family unit was destroyed. My kids were suffering. They were being mistreated. We all dreaded for Stud Muffin to come home or be in the house. Life was terrible. Changes had to be made.
My three girls wanted me to file for divorce. I kept postponing this decision because I knew that I was admitting defeat. Filing for divorce was making an announcement to the world that my marriage was a failure. I was praying to God asking Him to give me strength to hang on and for God to change Stud Muffin. It was to the point I was staying in bed for days praying and reading God's word. I was waiting on a breakthrough. I needed some encouragement from God that things would get better. I needed a sign. Please God, help me.
God's answer came to me loud and clear. While I had been praying for God to save my marriage, I realized that God had a different plan in mind. God knew that I needed to be set free. God hates divorce. But, divorce is a forgiveable sin. And, God was showing me that He loved me by giving me a reason to leave. I found out that Stud Muffin was having an emotional affair. As far as I know, it was only emotional. But, this was the last straw. I now knew that my marriage couldn't be fixed. The line had been crossed. There was another woman. It was now ok to proceed with filing for divorce. It was now settled in my heart that there was no other way.
The day I filed for divorce, I was overcome with peace. I knew things would still be hard until the divorce became final and beyond, but I was ready to face it head on. Things would be getting better soon. What a relief!
This could not be happening to me! I loved my husband, and I knew that he loved me. So, how did my happy marriage slowly degress to a place where I didn't feel emotionally secure? I started feeling differently about myself. Something had to be wrong with me. Why was I provoking my husband to act this way? What was I doing wrong? I had so much self doubt about myself and about my marriage. But, I had small children. I would try harder to keep peace with my husband for the sake of the family. I did not believe in divorce, so I had to work harder on my marriage.
The uneasy feelings progressively got worse and worse. It eventually came to the point that I was doing research on the internet to figure out what was going on with my husband. It didn't take me long to realize that I was in an abusive relationship. What?!! Seriously?!! How did this man that I loved turn into someone who was mistreating me? I felt shameful and incompetent. I felt alone. I was sad. It wasn't long until my sadness turned into depression.
Years went by. I prayed for things to get better. I didn't want this to be happening, but I didn't know how to fix it! It was becoming perfectly clear that things were not going to get better. So, I decided I would have to live with it and learn how to deal with it. That worked fairly well for me, but my kids were now being sucked into the abuse. Not good. I started feeling hate toward the person I was supposed to love forever.
Several years ago, I was reading articles on the internet, and I came across some articles on narcissism. What in the heck was a narcissist? Well, as I read on, I realized I was living with one! Stud Muffin definitely had enough of the characteristics to convince me that he is a narcissist. Wow. Really?? The only thing I knew to do was to get marriage counseling. I had to convince my husband that something was wrong with him. His behavior was not normal. So, after some major fights, Stud finally agreed to go with me to talk to a christian counselor.
We had two sessions with the counselor, and I knew it was a total waste of time. There was nothing wrong with my husband in his mind, so anything the counselor said was turned against me. Things got even worse at home after the counseling sessions. I was finally to the point of giving up. Things were hopeless. I didn't know what to do or where to turn. I was miserable. I was unhappy. I had health issues. My self esteem was gone.
The last few years of my marriage were a living hell. I walked on eggshells to keep Stud Muffin from being provoked into attack mode. The whole family unit was destroyed. My kids were suffering. They were being mistreated. We all dreaded for Stud Muffin to come home or be in the house. Life was terrible. Changes had to be made.
My three girls wanted me to file for divorce. I kept postponing this decision because I knew that I was admitting defeat. Filing for divorce was making an announcement to the world that my marriage was a failure. I was praying to God asking Him to give me strength to hang on and for God to change Stud Muffin. It was to the point I was staying in bed for days praying and reading God's word. I was waiting on a breakthrough. I needed some encouragement from God that things would get better. I needed a sign. Please God, help me.
God's answer came to me loud and clear. While I had been praying for God to save my marriage, I realized that God had a different plan in mind. God knew that I needed to be set free. God hates divorce. But, divorce is a forgiveable sin. And, God was showing me that He loved me by giving me a reason to leave. I found out that Stud Muffin was having an emotional affair. As far as I know, it was only emotional. But, this was the last straw. I now knew that my marriage couldn't be fixed. The line had been crossed. There was another woman. It was now ok to proceed with filing for divorce. It was now settled in my heart that there was no other way.
The day I filed for divorce, I was overcome with peace. I knew things would still be hard until the divorce became final and beyond, but I was ready to face it head on. Things would be getting better soon. What a relief!
Friday, June 18, 2010
How Have You Been Hurt?
Last night, I met with my soon-to-be ex-husband (Stud Muffin) to pay bills and go over paperwork. He had those underlying tones going with every comment he made. You know, the rudeness that he just can't seem to control anytime he gets around me.
Stud Muffin informed me that he wouldn't be paying for our daughter's (D3) car repairs ($100) because she had not been responding to any of his text messages. Well, he is right about that. She hasn't been responding to his text messages, but is that how a dad should react to a hurting child? He has that attitude that he will show her!! Stud has always been about conditional love. If his children do not "act" the way he thinks they should, then he will refuse to show any love or support to his kids. So, no text messages on D3's part meant no help on his part to get her car out of the shop! This was perfectly fair in his mind.
When Stud told me this last night, I defended my three daughters by telling their dad that they are hurting. Divorce is hard. They have hurt feelings. They do not understand how a dad can treat his kids the way they have been treated. They do not like the way their father has treated their mother. And, I proceeded to tell him that every member of our family is hurting. That is when Stud looked at me and sincerely asked me, "How have you been hurt?" Hmmmmmm. Seriously?! Well, let me think really hard. Let's see. My marriage of almost 27 years is over. I have been emotionally and verbally abused. My daughters have lived in a hell that only they can understand, and I hurt for them. But, yet, my soon-to-be ex-husband looked at me and had the audacity to ask me, "How have you been hurt?!" I just stared at him in blank confusion and didn't say a word. If there ever was a clueless man, I was looking at him.
The truth of the matter is that the day I filed for divorce was probably the day I started hurting just a little bit less. The relief was amazing. I knew that my life would be changing if I could just get through the divorce process. I was willing to endure the divorce knowing that if I could just make it through this part, then my life would get better.
Hopefully, the confusion, the crying, the hurt feelings, the sadness, the destruction of my self esteem, and the crushing of my soul will stop. Two more weeks may seem way too long. My fairytale marriage didn't end up the way it was supposed to. I am ready to kiss that old fairytale goodbye and hopefully start a new fairytale. I believe there must be, there has to be, a happy ending in my next one!
Stud Muffin informed me that he wouldn't be paying for our daughter's (D3) car repairs ($100) because she had not been responding to any of his text messages. Well, he is right about that. She hasn't been responding to his text messages, but is that how a dad should react to a hurting child? He has that attitude that he will show her!! Stud has always been about conditional love. If his children do not "act" the way he thinks they should, then he will refuse to show any love or support to his kids. So, no text messages on D3's part meant no help on his part to get her car out of the shop! This was perfectly fair in his mind.
When Stud told me this last night, I defended my three daughters by telling their dad that they are hurting. Divorce is hard. They have hurt feelings. They do not understand how a dad can treat his kids the way they have been treated. They do not like the way their father has treated their mother. And, I proceeded to tell him that every member of our family is hurting. That is when Stud looked at me and sincerely asked me, "How have you been hurt?" Hmmmmmm. Seriously?! Well, let me think really hard. Let's see. My marriage of almost 27 years is over. I have been emotionally and verbally abused. My daughters have lived in a hell that only they can understand, and I hurt for them. But, yet, my soon-to-be ex-husband looked at me and had the audacity to ask me, "How have you been hurt?!" I just stared at him in blank confusion and didn't say a word. If there ever was a clueless man, I was looking at him.
The truth of the matter is that the day I filed for divorce was probably the day I started hurting just a little bit less. The relief was amazing. I knew that my life would be changing if I could just get through the divorce process. I was willing to endure the divorce knowing that if I could just make it through this part, then my life would get better.
Hopefully, the confusion, the crying, the hurt feelings, the sadness, the destruction of my self esteem, and the crushing of my soul will stop. Two more weeks may seem way too long. My fairytale marriage didn't end up the way it was supposed to. I am ready to kiss that old fairytale goodbye and hopefully start a new fairytale. I believe there must be, there has to be, a happy ending in my next one!
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