My Husband Was An Abusive Narcissist

It occurred to me about 8 years into my 26 year marriage that my husband (Stud Muffin) had changed. Not only had he changed, but his attitude toward me had changed. And, things progressively got worse until I finally filed for divorce after 26 years . . . I was married 27 years when the divorce actually became final. A change had to be made in order to save myself.

This could not be happening to me! I loved my husband, and I knew that he loved me. So, how did my happy marriage slowly degress to a place where I didn't feel emotionally secure? I started feeling differently about myself. Something had to be wrong with me. Why was I provoking my husband to act this way? What was I doing wrong? I had so much self doubt about myself and about my marriage. But, I had small children. I would try harder to keep peace with my husband for the sake of the family. I did not believe in divorce, so I had to work harder on my marriage.

The uneasy feelings progressively got worse and worse. It eventually came to the point that I was doing research on the internet to figure out what was going on with my husband. It didn't take me long to realize that I was in an abusive relationship. What?!! Seriously?!! How did this man that I loved turn into someone who was mistreating me? I felt shameful and incompetent. I felt alone. I was sad. It wasn't long until my sadness turned into depression.

Years went by. I prayed for things to get better. I didn't want this to be happening, but I didn't know how to fix it! It was becoming perfectly clear that things were not going to get better. So, I decided I would have to live with it and learn how to deal with it. That worked fairly well for me, but my kids were now being sucked into the abuse. Not good. I started feeling hate toward the person I was supposed to love forever.

Several years ago, I was reading articles on the internet, and I came across some articles on narcissism. What in the heck was a narcissist? Well, as I read on, I realized I was living with one! Stud Muffin definitely had enough of the characteristics to convince me that he is a narcissist. Wow. Really?? The only thing I knew to do was to get marriage counseling. I had to convince my husband that something was wrong with him. His behavior was not normal. So, after some major fights, Stud finally agreed to go with me to talk to a christian counselor.

We had two sessions with the counselor, and I knew it was a total waste of time. There was nothing wrong with my husband in his mind, so anything the counselor said was turned against me. Things got even worse at home after the counseling sessions. I was finally to the point of giving up. Things were hopeless. I didn't know what to do or where to turn. I was miserable. I was unhappy. I had health issues. My self esteem was gone.

The last few years of my marriage were a living hell. I walked on eggshells to keep Stud Muffin from being provoked into attack mode. The whole family unit was destroyed. My kids were suffering. They were being mistreated. We all dreaded for Stud Muffin to come home or be in the house. Life was terrible. Changes had to be made.

My three girls wanted me to file for divorce. I kept postponing this decision because I knew that I was admitting defeat. Filing for divorce was making an announcement to the world that my marriage was a failure. I was praying to God asking Him to give me strength to hang on and for God to change Stud Muffin. It was to the point I was staying in bed for days praying and reading God's word. I was waiting on a breakthrough. I needed some encouragement from God that things would get better. I needed a sign. Please God, help me.

God's answer came to me loud and clear. While I had been praying for God to save my marriage, I realized that God had a different plan in mind. God knew that I needed to be set free. God hates divorce. But, divorce is a forgiveable sin. And, God was showing me that He loved me by giving me a reason to leave. I found out that Stud Muffin was having an emotional affair. As far as I know, it was only emotional. But, this was the last straw. I now knew that my marriage couldn't be fixed. The line had been crossed. There was another woman. It was now ok to proceed with filing for divorce. It was now settled in my heart that there was no other way.

The day I filed for divorce, I was overcome with peace. I knew things would still be hard until the divorce became final and beyond, but I was ready to face it head on. Things would be getting better soon. What a relief!

How Have You Been Hurt?

Last night, I met with my soon-to-be ex-husband (Stud Muffin) to pay bills and go over paperwork. He had those underlying tones going with every comment he made. You know, the rudeness that he just can't seem to control anytime he gets around me.

Stud Muffin informed me that he wouldn't be paying for our daughter's (D3) car repairs ($100) because she had not been responding to any of his text messages. Well, he is right about that. She hasn't been responding to his text messages, but is that how a dad should react to a hurting child? He has that attitude that he will show her!! Stud has always been about conditional love. If his children do not "act" the way he thinks they should, then he will refuse to show any love or support to his kids. So, no text messages on D3's part meant no help on his part to get her car out of the shop! This was perfectly fair in his mind.

When Stud told me this last night, I defended my three daughters by telling their dad that they are hurting. Divorce is hard. They have hurt feelings. They do not understand how a dad can treat his kids the way they have been treated. They do not like the way their father has treated their mother. And, I proceeded to tell him that every member of our family is hurting. That is when Stud looked at me and sincerely asked me, "How have you been hurt?" Hmmmmmm. Seriously?! Well, let me think really hard. Let's see. My marriage of almost 27 years is over. I have been emotionally and verbally abused. My daughters have lived in a hell that only they can understand, and I hurt for them. But, yet, my soon-to-be ex-husband looked at me and had the audacity to ask me, "How have you been hurt?!" I just stared at him in blank confusion and didn't say a word. If there ever was a clueless man, I was looking at him.

The truth of the matter is that the day I filed for divorce was probably the day I started hurting just a little bit less. The relief was amazing. I knew that my life would be changing if I could just get through the divorce process. I was willing to endure the divorce knowing that if I could just make it through this part, then my life would get better.

Hopefully, the confusion, the crying, the hurt feelings, the sadness, the destruction of my self esteem, and the crushing of my soul will stop. Two more weeks may seem way too long. My fairytale marriage didn't end up the way it was supposed to. I am ready to kiss that old fairytale goodbye and hopefully start a new fairytale. I believe there must be, there has to be, a happy ending in my next one!